Emo
I feel emo recently, particularly rebellious. It was as though I hadn't been rebellious during my teens, which was the case, and I am living it out now.CNY should be a time of joy, but it is completely different for my folks' case. They are bad-tempered over the spring-cleaning, burning the midnight oil to tidy things, nagging continuously. It has been the same every year, but I feel the heat of the nagging because brother has moved out. Actually brother adds to the nagging, but somehow I feel particularly bad now because I am alone in all this, and always keeping quiet.
My friends' house haven't been very very tidy when I visit. I feel more at ease knowing that my visiting did not trouble someone to do household chores. And I feel more at home with some clutter - why stand on ceremony when we are friends? My folks love to apologise for the mess of the home, a behaviour that I have never seen among my friends' parents. Ironically, the apology makes one realise that the house is indeed messy, no matter how neat it is. To me, it is a peculiar behaviour, and a cognitive error known as mind-reading - assuming what others are judge them from the state of the house. A home is one's own home. Visitors should not determine whether one should do household chores.
My resentment stems from many other reasons. I am frustrated because the folks aren't taking care of their health, which I feel is a selfish behaviour. For example, suppers, over-eating, snacking on peanuts, refusing to review their insurance policies, trying to escape from the reality that they are no longer young, their health is deteriorating and doing nothing about it.
And I haven't felt like this when I was in army. I thought the relationship was better when I see them only on weekend, because I was able to appreciate what them better. And I think they must be feeling - why the heck is my son getting more and more insensible when it should be the reverse? (Ok, that is mind-reading on my part!)
Nonetheless they are my parents and I love them. But there are too many conflicting emotions, making me the emo person I am now.
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